


kill dil

by calvinahobbes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, pinch hit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28270002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinahobbes/pseuds/calvinahobbes
Summary: “Should we kill Dil?” (A fic about YouTube and planning and making decisions.)
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 16
Kudos: 44
Collections: Phandom Fic Fests Holiday Exchange 2020





	kill dil

**Author's Note:**

  * For [moonanonymous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonanonymous/gifts).



> So many thanks to my beta! I treasure you!

iv

“Should we kill Dil?” 

“No!” Phil’s reply is adamant. There’s a definite whine to his voice.

Dan seems unperturbed, and the video continues. Phil stops the footage. 

It’s not the first time Dan has floated the idea of letting Dil live out his natural life. Phil doesn’t quite know why it bothers him so much to think about, except for how death and dying obviously always bothers him.

He should be going on with the edits, but he rolls the footage back and watches it again. 

It’s such a small casual comment. Blink and you miss it and it’s gone. Phil would suspect Dan of sneakily trying to affect Phil’s decision making, but Dan’s shoulders are down and his eyes are fixed on the screen. It’s just a thought that occurred to him. Again. 

The thing is that although the comment might seem innocuous, Phil knows when Dan is being hyperbolic and when he’s thinking out loud. Phil is used to the mumbling and the pacing by now, but this isn’t just that. Dan is trying the idea on for size.

Phil continues editing. The sting hasn’t gone away. The first time it was panic. Today it’s hurt. 

He doesn’t understand how you could want to ruin something you love so much.

iii

“It’s not about ruining things!” Dan insists. 

He squeezes Phil’s arm, and while this would usually soothe Phil right now it feels like being managed. They’re on the sofa in the living room, and suddenly Phil wishes they were somewhere more neutral. Like a restaurant. He could shove sugary desserts into his face while Dan got through his argument.

“Don’t you see it’s about the cyclical nature of the universe?” Dan is working himself into a proper rant, gesticulating hands really joining in now. “It’s about coming full circle and rounding things off.”

Phil doesn’t even want to make a Circle of Life joke, that’s how unsettled he feels. 

“Don’t you hate those tv shows that don’t give you proper closure?” Dan’s eyes widen as he thinks of the perfect argument. “Buffy died!”

Phil narrows his eyes and mopes. “Do not bring Buffy into this.”

“All I’m saying is that if Joss Whedon had just implied that Buffy had to keep slaying vampires forever, there wouldn’t have been any closure in it for you.”

“They don’t need closure! They need to be happy!” Phil kind of shouts it. He means their Sims, but Dan is thinking about the viewers. 

“They want a thrilling show finale.” He pauses to gather steam “We’ve been playing Dil for years.”

“Exactly!”

“So? It’s time for him to progress. Dil is us, right? He’s an amalgamation of the two of us, and he’s been stagnating in the same evil scientist career for years. Think about retirement! The kids growing up! Maybe he’ll get into gardening. And then... the end.”

“You’re gonna make me actually cry,” Phil says, squeezing his arms around his middle.

Dan’s whole face changes, from the adamant idealism he got lost into furrowed concern.

ii

Phil pulls Dan closer to him underneath the covers. He feels exactly as much like a furnace as he always does. Phil hums and sticks his legs in between Dan’s, but Dan doesn’t open his eyes. 

He’s been like this all day, quiet and weirdly unresponsive and off in his own head. Sometimes he’s like that after therapy, and Phil has learned not to worry about it.

The therapy isn’t new anymore, but it seems to be taking a renewed toll on Dan. He is pensive, sometimes for days afterwards. He keeps talking about authenticity and life trajectories, and Phil isn’t sure what exactly it means. 

Instead Phil studies the smattering of almost invisible freckles on Dan’s cheeks, the soft fan of his eyelashes over the purpling tender skin underneath his eyes. Phil brushes his lips over it all, tiny careful touches.

Sometimes it feels almost wrong that he can still enjoy this closeness and find comfort in it even when Dan can’t. But how can he not feel good and safe in this cocoon of blankets, feeling Dan’s skin against his?

Finally it breaks Dan. He releases a sound like he’s in pain. When Phil looks at his face again his forehead is creased up, his eyes scrunched tight.

“Dan, what’s wrong?” Phil murmurs. He can’t resist another careful brush of lips. 

But Dan just shakes his head and clings. 

“You can tell me.” Phil rubs his hand in soothing circles up and down Dan’s back. 

Dan’s eyes fly open and he studies Phil with such intensity it makes Phil genuinely worried. 

“Okay,” Dan says resolutely. “But we need to...” He trails off, pulling away from Phil, letting cold air under the covers. 

He pulls Phil with him, arranges them on the edge of the bed side by side. The goose pimples breaking out all over Phil’s arms and legs aren’t just from the cold. 

Dan takes a deep breath. “My ther—“ He stops, frowns. Phil squeezes his knee, bumps their shoulders together. “I think I need a break from YouTube.”

“Okay,” Phil says. “Yeah. Of course.”

i

“Of course, it’s not like we’ll be doing YouTube forever,” Dan says.

It takes Phil completely by surprise. 

Dan is in the middle of one of his rambles about life, the universe, and everything. He’s worked himself into a bit of a frenzy, and there’s a sarcastic edge to his tone that makes the comment cut even deeper.

“What do you mean, of course?” Phil asks. He can tell his voice is harsh, strained.

Dan can tell too. He looks at him with big round eyes. His hands, which were flying through the air only seconds ago, have become still and buried in the sleeves of his black sweater. He shakes his head. 

“I mean...”

“I like doing YouTube, you know.” Phil’s voice cracks sharply through the air. He tosses the towel he was haphazardly folding back onto their bed. “Even when it’s hard. I like it.”

“I know you do,” Dan says. Phil can tell from his expression that he knows he fucked up, that he feels bad. “I do too. But you have script ideas, yeah? A book maybe? I just meant... we’ll do other stuff too.”

But that’s not what he meant, and Phil knows it. “That’s not what you said. Is it the gaming channel again?”

“No,” Dan says. He crosses the room just to run a hand along Phil’s arm. “You know the algorithm stresses me out, but it’s not about that. I think I just... wanna try new things, yeah?”

“I want to try new things, but I want to do YouTube too. I’ve always done YouTube.” He knows how stubborn he sounds, feels acutely how much he’s failing to properly express himself. 

Dan looks at him with big sad eyes, and Phil goes to make a coffee.

He doesn’t know why the idea hurts him so much. He stares at the kettle as it boils and tries to tease out the reasoning behind the hurt. It feels as if Dan wants out of their partnership. That hurts because — for better or worse — their relationship has always been tied up in being creative together. 

Phil still remembers the double thrill of being in love with a boy who reciprocated not just those feelings but also his feelings about YouTube. The fact that over time their relationship only grew and strengthened in tandem with their careers is probably why he is so unsettled.

He makes two coffees and takes one to Dan, who has settled uneasily on their sofa. He’s curled up and gnawing darkly on a thumbnail but sits up quickly when Phil enters.

“I’m sorry,” they say simultaneously and then laugh. 

“Me first,” Dan says and twists to face Phil as he settles down next to him. “I’m sorry I sprung it on you like that. I guess I’ve just been thinking about long-term plans.” He squeezes Phil’s hand. “I love what we do, you know that. I’m just excited for all the other possibilities as well.” 

Phil nods. “I’m sorry I took it so hard. I think it hurt me because I see our work as part of our relationship, and if you don’t want to work with me any longer then maybe you don’t want to be with me any longer.” It feels bad to even say, to voice such an insecurity, but Dan’s hand feels good and steady on his.

“No, Phil, that’s not it at all.”

“I think I know. I just didn’t know.” He’s running out of words, but Dan looks as if he understands. 

ii

“What do you mean, ‘Yeah of course?’” Dan says and looks at him incredulously in the soft bedroom lighting. 

Phil shrugs and accidentally squeezes Dan’s bare leg harder. “If you need a break that’s what we’ll do.”

Dan gapes a bit. Belatedly he says, “What about. Tour. The gaming channel.” 

“You think the tour or the gaming channel is more important to me than you?”

Dan’s eyes soften. His hand closes over Phil’s. “No. Of course not. But I had expected a bit more panic.”

Phil twists his lips ironically. “I have had some time to get used to the idea.”

“You know I am sorry about that time, right?”

“I know. You apologized.”

“I don’t mean right now,” Dan says. “I just mean, eventually. In the not so distant future. I need a break.”

“After tour I expect we’ll both need a break,” Phil says, trying to lighten the mood just a little.

iii

“Let’s not talk anymore about Dil right now,” Dan says in his placating voice. 

For once Phil doesn’t resent it. He needs placating right now. 

To his credit, Dan does let the matter of Dil’s death go. But they still have to hash out an approximate plan for the gaming channel.

There are a certain number of Sims episodes that Phil would be comfortable with. There are a number of potential spons, and he hopes to add more. There’s an algorithm to be fed. And all of it has to interlock with the tour soon; show dates and travel days and rest days and hotels and busses and planes. 

Dan is still gesturing wildly in the sofa, showing him things on the laptop and making stupid jokes about axing Spooky Week.

“No,” Phil says angrily. “No more killing all of our traditions.” 

“I was kidding,” Dan says. He looks annoyed, probably because he thinks Phil missed the overall point about logistics he was actually trying to make. 

Phil groans and butts his head against Dan’s chest to express his frustration. Dan tugs at the short hairs at the back of his neck.

“Should I change my hair?” Phil blurts and almost regrets it, but he’s thinking about it constantly right now. 

“Yes,” Dan says instantly. He doesn’t even have to think about it. “R. I. P. emo hair.”

“Death to the splinge?”

“Yeah, man. The splinge can suck it.”

Phil leans up for a kiss. He wants a kiss. They’ll decide about Dil and splinges later, and he will forgive Dan for using Buffy to win an argument. 

iv

They still haven’t come to a decision, and clearly it’s bubbling around in Dan’s unconscious close enough under the surface that he keeps mentioning it. 

Phil trims a clip, runs it back, adjusts a bit more. It’s not Dan’s fault that death makes Phil so uncomfortable. 

The mere thought of seeing their little pixelated child croaking makes him feel clammy, anxiety clutching his throat. They’re both sentimental buggers, but Dan’s dramatic streak seems drawn to the spectacular, whereas Phil just doesn’t want a game to get that real. But he hopes that his fear of getting older and of losing people he cares about is really secondary to all of this. 

It’s like he’s said before: they went into the gaming channel with the intention of being entertaining. The viewers have already grown far more attached to Dil than Phil anticipated. Hell, he thought he and Dan had grown far more attached than he had anticipated, especially after giving him such a prominent role in TATINOF. 

Wouldn’t it be the ultimate Frankenstein move to bury Dil instead of just sending him off into the sunset? But Phil suspects this is the real reason Dan wants things to be more final. He is much more prone to thinking in eras, and while Phil does think of certain projects related to certain times in their lives things have more of a tendency to blur together for him. 

Things are changing, he does know that. They’re planning their next stage show; they’re talking about what happens once tour is over. 

“Hey,” Dan says suddenly, making Phil jump. He rubs a soothing hand over Phil’s shoulder and puts a coffee down on the desk. “How’s it going?”

“It’s fine,” Phil says and tips his head up for a kiss, which Dan delivers without any hesitation. Exactly like always. 

Phil takes a sip of coffee and scrolls back to start to show Dan what they have so far. 

Dan doesn’t mean to hurt him, but sometimes his excitement for everything that comes after the tour hurts Phil. He likes the present; the blurry future unsettles him. 

But they aren’t done talking about Dil. There are many other conversations still to come. There will be silly ones and angry ones and horrible “walk me through it” ones, which are definitely the ones Phil dreads the most. 

He will have to listen carefully to Dan’s idea and envision it properly at some point. And Dan will do him the same courtesy. But right now Phil just wants to hide out in the present.


End file.
